The temporarily embarrassed indie hacker
7 years ago, I was on a sleeper train to Chiang Mai, Thailand.
People had questions.
"Hey Pooria, I saw your pictures on insta. Where are you? Did you quit your job? What are you doing?"
I liked the attention. Look at me and my adventurous life.
"Yeah I'm traveling a bunch! And I'm still working a bit. But I'm really excited about this personal project..."
As the years went on, that became my mantra.
"Pooria, what are you doing?"
"Travel, work, personal project."
"What's next, Pooria?"
"Travel, work, personal project."
No matter what, I always kept a spot in my heart for the personal project.
Because one day, it would go like this:
"Hey Pooria, what are you up to?"
"I'm traveling and working a bit"
"Oh like at your job?"
"No, on my business biiiiitch! 🫳🎤💥"
Yes, one day my personal project would transform into my business, and it would be great.
I'd love to work on it. People would love to pay for it.
And I'd be fuck-you-free, forever.
Except, that never happened.
7 years later, I'm still replying, "Travel, work, personal project."
Only now, I'm barely fooling myself.
You've heard of temporarily embarrassed millionaires?
I am the temporarily embarrassed indie hacker.
Screw you guys, I'm going to Asia
It started with a surprise lay off.
Everyone was shocked. I realized I could never count on a job for my financial security.
Around that time I saw an article about Pieter Levels. Some guy my age, barefoot in Bali. He was making cool websites on his own terms, making bank, and even had a fan following!
"I can do that! I can build websites. I'm gonna have a life of adventure, freedom, and 4 hour work weeks. I don't need a job!"
So I sold my stuff, packed my Macbook and my black Merino wool shirts and my black Merino wool underwear into my #onebag, and hit the road.
Hardly working
During those 7 years, I had unforgettable adventures, transformative relationships, personal growth, and career advancement beyond what I ever expected. I'm so glad I did it.
Yet I achieved none of my indie-hacker dreams.
It wasn't for lack of time. I had HEAPS of time.
It wasn't for lack of wanting either.
I was constantly getting struck by inspiration. No matter what else was happening in my life, I had a single thought always on repeat: "How can I make a project for this?"
Sometimes all the scattered thoughts and inspiration would coalesce into a plan. With an explosion of excitement I'd start my newest passion project.
But 80% of those projects didn't even get launched. My motivation ran out, and I dropped them.
When I managed to launch a project, it rarely made money.
As for the 2 projects that made a little money... both fizzled out.
So why didn't I make it?
I have a few theories, and I'm not going to sugar coat it.
Lack of effort: Indie hacking takes tons of hard work, and I was more interested in exploring new countries, chilling with friends, and meeting girls.
Impractical projects: The ideas I was attracted to were often too complicated or poorly scoped for me to build
Unsellable projects: The ideas were also often things that people wouldn't be likely to pay for
Isolation: I built my projects in silence and launched them into the void. No one knew and no one cared
Addiction: I was stuck in addictive spirals, making it impossible to stay consistent with anything
Fear: I was scared of failure and wanted to protect my ego, so I avoided launching stuff
Fake productivity: wasted time customizing vim, trying new keyboard layouts, etc
Mindset: Maybe my expectations and mental models were fundamentally wrong
Lack of discipline: I relied mostly on inspiration and motivation, which are too fleeting to substitute for discipline
Conflicts of interest: My desire to spend less time on the computer conflicted with my desire to build more side projects
Other hobbies: I eagerly spent a ton of my free time on other things like languages, dance, photography, etc, rather than building stuff
It seems like in order to win at this indie hacker game, I needed to be making consistent attempts, taking failure on the chin, and applying the lessons learned.
In hindsight, my attempts were sporadic. Failures knocked me reeling into a pit of self-doubt and "self-medication" by addiction. And my most productive times were spent building projects that just weren't technically or economically viable.
Am I just not cut out for this?
We've been taught that we can do anything if we try hard enough.
And I do believe that, and I think that's a great belief to hold.
But we also know that everyone is better at some things, worse at other things.
(Of course you can train and improve, but there's limits)
So what if I'm naturally lacking the traits and abilities that lead to success as an indie-hacker?
The scoreboard sure seems to say so.
All my indie hacker dreaming and scheming resulted in nothing gained.
Meanwhile, working a job gave me money, travels, freedom, and meaningful relationships.
Is life sending me a very loud message about what I'm good and bad at?
Letting go
What about just... giving up this indie hacker dream?
Even if I'm just a wannabe, it's comforting to hold onto the belief that surely I'll make it some day...
Without that "some day", what am I? Just another web developer? No bright future, just collecting a paycheck and killing time while the world leaves me behind?
So I could double down. Dig myself even further into this identity. But I think that would be foolish.
7 years is long enough to conclude, with confidence, that this isn't working for me.
So what's next?
Well let's take stock.
First off, let's admit it's fucking ridiculous that my sense of identity is so tied to this indie hacker thing.
To go on twitter and see all the apparently happy and successful indie hackers, and wish that some day I'll be like them?
Fuck all that.
It's like reading tabloids and wishing they'll invite you to the red carpet. Don't be pathetic.
I don't need 300k twitter followers and a 30k MRR automated business.
Would I like to have them? Duh. Those grapes ain't sour, they look sweet as hell.
But I don't have them. I tried for 7 years and I still don't have them. Not even close.
So maybe it's time to stop chasing a pie in the sky and come back to my real, touchable, day-at-a-time life.
Shedding layers
This indie hacker identity isn't me, it's just something I've wrapped around my self.
I'll still exist without it, and since it doesn't seem to have done me much good, I'm better off shedding it like a lizard shedding old skin.
And while I'm at it, maybe I can shed some of the other bullshit I've built up around myself.
Do I really need to juggle 5 credit cards for the signup bonuses?
Or hunt for a more perfect productivity app?
Or carefully customize my text editor?
Feel guilty over forgetting Korean?
Maintain a custom rails deployment to avoid paying $10/month to heroku?
Keep trying to optimize everything?
No. I don't need any of that. Distractions. I can shed it all.
And what would be left? Only the few most important things.
A mind and body to take care of.
A family and girlfriend to support and love.
Friendships to nurture and enjoy.
A job, a boss, and coworkers to do right by.
Dances to dance.
Ideas that someone, somewhere, needs to hear.
A life to live.